I am in an extremely fortunate position that I can be there for my s/o who struggles with Bipolar and depression. Some days are more of a challenge than others.
My question is this. On the bad days. What are some calm or comforting phrases I can use to show them my love. The traditional "I'm sorry" doesn't always cut it. A response I get to that its "not my fault".
I would love to hear what you all say, or been told that's been reassuring.
This is a great question!
I cannot tell you how many times I have been approached as a Mental Health First Aid trainer by friends and family members seeking advice on how to support someone struggling with their mental health. A lot of people don't know what to do, and many common responses to mental health-related issues can be far more damaging than we realize. Trying to "fix" the person or issue, listing reasons the person should be grateful or happy, and relaying opinions or judgments about the causes of their struggles are all common ways a layperson (not you, G C) might invalidate, minimize, or shame the person they are trying to help. I always stress being mindful of our words, and considering how they could potentially have the opposite impact from our intention.
As a person with Bipolar 2 disorder and other co-occurring conditions, the unfortunate answer is that there isn't a whole lot you can say to make a bad mental health day better. I will always appreciate an "I'm sorry" from a concerned loved one who empathizes with my pain. I’ve also been the person to have no other words when trying to comfort a loved one in distress. I know how helpless it can feel. Fret not, though, there are still a ton of little things we can do to help someone on the Struggle Bus!
Some of the most helpful ways loved ones support me are:
Help me with my basic needs - On hard days, doing something as simple as brushing your teeth can feel impossible. Having someone there to encourage and help me take care of myself has a huge impact. Making sure I’m still eating and drinking water is huge. It could be bringing me a snack, or if eating is hard, they might offer to make/get one of my favorite meals. Something as simple as bringing me a disposable toothbrush in bed can have an immense impact on my mental state. This not only shows me they love and care about me but also ensures my body has the things it needs to start moving towards a place of wellness.
Practice radical acceptance and non-judgment about my symptoms – When someone is struggling with their mental health, a lot of common social standards go right out the window. I might not be able to shower for a week or need 18 hours of sleep a night. Although it has COME WITH PRACTICE, my loved ones have come to understand that these waves are just a part of who I am, and that’s okay. However, sometimes, I do need a little push to do things that will make me feel better, which brings me to my last method...
Make healthy activities more accessible and appealing – Having a mental health condition may make us feel different, but we still need all the same things as everyone else to reach or maintain good health. Things like proper diet, exercise, exposure to sunlight, social connection, and stress management can all factor into our mental state. Yet, they can feel impossible when we're struggling. This is where support can come in handy. Have they not been outside in 3 days? Offer to take them somewhere they enjoy (I love swinging at the park). Has it been a while since they've moved their body? Invite them to get a Cinnabon and walk around the mall. Need social interaction but are feeling exhausted? Check movie times to see if there's anything they'd want to go out and see. Coming up with creative ways to encourage self-care and removing barriers to make it easy can have a profoundly positive impact on a person's mental state. Something as simple as going for a walk can be enough to trigger a positive mood shift.
Of course, every person is different and what works for me might not work for everyone. The most important thing you can do is ask your loved one what they want or need. Ask questions about what they're experiencing and what they think could help. Offer to help think of solutions, or just listen if they want to talk. Lastly, be prepared for rejection. Some people need space to self-regulate on their own and don't want help. Try not to take this personally. Let them know you're there when they're ready, and let them do their thing. The goal is to minimize stress and get back to wellness.
Perhaps long-winded, but those are some of the most helpful ways my loved ones get me through a bad day. Thank you for bringing up such an important topic, and I hope you found them useful!